Articles for the Age of Reason

"WE, THE SENSIBLE CITIZENS of the United States, in an attempt to help people get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more needless riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great- grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, deluded, and other bed-wetting morons. We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so stupid that they require a Bill of NO Rights."

ARTICLE I: You do NOT have the right to a new car, big screen TV, fastest new computer, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but our government is not obligated to guarantee these luxuries. Live with an old car and a 13" B&W TV.

ARTICLE II: You do NOT have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room, change the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do NOT have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you independently wealthy because of your stupidity or lack of skill.

ARTICLE IV: You do NOT have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we have grown weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes!

ARTICLE V: You do NOT have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in our own health.

ARTICLE VI: You do NOT have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you sit in the electric chair for a short period of time.

ARTICLE VII: You do NOT have the right to anything that belongs to others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods, services, or money of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you STILL won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You do NOT have the right to any job regardless of your race, creed, sexual preference or religion. Take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful and self supportive. Don't expect a free ride from the government or your community.

ARTICLE IX: You do NOT have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness. Make your own happiness, don't sit there and wait for someone to hand it to you.

By Mitchell Kaye & Titus Carter